Open letter to the significant other of an author with a first book coming out from an indie press.
Dear significant other of an author with a first book coming out from an indie press,
Hi! Get ready to witness a stunning metamorphosis as your loved one is transformed into a sempiternal abyss of narcissism and paranoia.
Soon you will be playing a whole host of new roles. Some of these roles include, but are not limited to:
* Photographer
* Sherpa
* Literary critic
* Psychoanalyst
* Thesaurus
* Investor
* Crisis interventionist
* Publicist
* Professional blog commenter (full-time)
* Mind-reader
* Videographer
* Media analyst
* Shaman
Here are some tips to smooth the transition:
Learn as much as possible about your loved one’s illness. It’s called an Amazon ranking and your loved one will be checking it every hour on the one’s, ten’s, and quarter-of’s.
Seek support. 100 books in a garbage bag is too heavy a burden for even the strongest man.
There is a difference between SPD and an STD.
Accept your feelings. Suicide is never an option, but matricide may induce a spike in book sales.
Trust your instincts. No one goes to the “Parataxis and Gender” panel at AWP at 3 am. He was gettin’ jiggy.
Confide in others. Anonymous plagiarism accusations are the best revenge.
Treatment options vary from the mild (moratorium on book talk in the bedroom) to the drastic (move out) to the really drastic (set her laptop on fire and move out).
Stand up for your rights. Nobody should be asked to take the word “tweet” seriously. Nobody.
Wishing you luck on your descent into the chasm of another’s infinite self-obsession.
Best,
Melissa
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brilliant!
melissa’s posts are always excellent, but this one really hits the proverbial nail on the head. while the life of a struggling writer sounds difficult, one can only imagine the burden placed on their spouse or life partner. i think i wanna crochet this post onto a pillow (or maybe an afghan). i can only hope that the plunge into the abyss is only temporary, not sempiternal, cause there aint no comin back from that…
Something my own significant other might add:
“Never suggest that pages 123-129 of his book are becoming boring, no matter how many readings he reads them at. Remember they’re probably even more boring for him at this point, but they’re the only pages that stand-alone really, really well in a 10-12 minute span.”
Perhaps I should write one to The Significant Other of an Author Who Just Decided to be a Publisher.
Dear SOAWJDP:
Remember your significant other? You will never see him again. He’s on the computer. He will stay there. Cry your tears and move on.
Cook
Dear Bonnie,
You’ll now be riding in a sidecar. The backseat has been converted to a Powell’s.
Cook
Dear Bonnie,
Please make room in the sidecar for an unpaid intern.
Cook
anyone ever sets my laptop on fire he will die
After one book on an indie press and one on a corporate monster press, I can safely say my spouse had it worse with the corporate monster. All the same work you have with an indie, with even higher expectations and pressure, plus royalty statements! Taxes! Legally binding contracts! Luckily I married a musician so he’s used to pimping himself and his loved ones out.