Patrick Wensink calls for the death of a fictional Kenny Rogers.

My god, you’re handsome.

You’re pretty good looking yourself.

And you smell nice, too.

Thanks, it’s soap.

Soap! Brilliant. Author, soap aficionado, Kenny Rogers hater…talk about a jack of all trades.

It keeps me busy.

Let’s talk more about that beef with Kenny Rogers.

You’re the boss, me.

Tell us about this website you created, Death to Kenny Rogers.

Well, it started with my new novel, Black Hole Blues. Kenny Rogers is the villain…well, one of the villains, of the book. So when I finished it and my publisher, Lazy Fascist, was preparing it for the world, I decided it would be fun to see if Kenny Rogers would read the manuscript and maybe comment on the back cover.

So you know Kenny Rogers? What’s his favorite kind of pie? I bet apple.

Uh, no. I don’t know him. And it turned out to be kind of difficult tracking down any contact information. Eventually, I sent some emails to Kenny’s management, saying how I thought maybe Kenny would get a kick out of this. How many times has he been the villain of a novel, you know? But I got back responses like, “Oh, well, we’ll see. I’ll talk to so-and-so and get back to you.”

Of course, they never got back to me.

So how does apple pie fit into all this?

It doesn’t.

Oh.

Eventually his management, the whimsically named Dreamcatcher Entertainment, stopped writing me back entirely. So, obviously, Kenny gave it the thumbs-down, I figured.

But, I’ve always been one to turn lemons into meringue pie…

Pie?

…lemons into meringue pie, so I decided to get back at this Kenny Rogers-supported snub by doing the sensible thing and starting a smear campaign. Which is how Death to Kenny Rogers was born.

 Kenny Rogers’ “Coward of the County” was the first dance at my wedding. What’s your deal?

That’s really weird. I think that song is about gang rape.

…moving on. So what’s on this Death to Kenny Rogers site?

Imaginary facts about what a horrible human being Kenny probably is.

Such as?

I update the site almost every day, so there’s always new Kenny Rogers enlightenment.

Some of my favorites include the fact that everyone who as ever watched The Gambler has already died or will someday die. [Include link: ] Or the proof that Kenny Rogers hates Filipinos.

He does?

You tell me. The only country on the planet that still has Kenny Rogers Roasters restaurants are the Philippine Islands. I doubt there’s a better explanation.

Any other tidbits?

I’m fond of the post about how Kenny Rogers received a Lifetime Achievement Award for Puppy Drowning.

How much research did you do for this site?

Pretty much none.

Have you ever thought about doing a post on how much he loves apple pie?

Uhhhh. I’ll put that in the queue.

Inquiring minds want to know.

Good point.

Now…on to this book…did you set out to skewer Kenny Rogers when you wrote it?

No. Not at all.

Why not Travis Tritt or Garth Brooks?

See, the book is about J. Claude Caruthers, he’s a country singer writing a love song about every woman’s name in the English language.

J. Claude has two big rivals in Nashville, one being Kenny Rogers, the other being an openly gay country star writing a love song about every man’s name. J. Claude and Kenny’s rivalry started out as a one line joke inspired by the fact that I have one of those state fair mirrors featuring Kenny Rogers on my office wall. So The Gambler found his way into an early line about J. Claude’s autobiography having a chapter entitled: “78 Reasons Kenny Rogers is a Pussy.” From there, the two singers developed a sharp rivalry that continually escalates throughout the book.