We who are about to tweet: @everydayyeah.

[In which we find out the Twitter philosophies of my most beloved follows.]

Twitter username: @everydayyeah
Real name: Mark Baumer
Recent memorable tweet: “I want to live on the ocean floor of the oldest moon.”

Ten Billion Reasons Why I Use Twitter

1. My father was at a party forty years ago and he met the guy who invented the woodshed. My father liked the idea of a woodshed and used his brain to think about what a coyote would say to a woodshed if a coyote could talk, but the coyote in my father’s brain wasn’t really a coyote. It was a Neil Young album. My father listened to this Neil Young vinyl until the grooves no longer existed. His brain forgot woodsheds were things that coyotes might like to talk to if coyotes could talk.
2. A friend called me and told me to stop using the calibri font because he said it made me look stupid. I began to have a lot of self doubt. I logged onto the internet. It took me fourteen hours. Some of my wires were too short. I soaked them in water to see if they would stretch. I then used the water to boil no0dles. The no0dles hurt my mouth when I tried to eat them. I drank a pepsi. I felt guilty and when my mother asked me what I was drinking I told her I was drinking milk. She gave me an index card full of facts about milk. I began to worry that I would have trouble being able to reproduce because one of the facts on the index card said, “If you drink milk between three a.m. and five a.m. you are more likely to suffer heart palpitations that make it impossible to decide which font is the best font to use.”
3. On Thursday I gave a lecture to a guild of philosophers about what it feels like to think about my ex-boyfriend when he is reading about celebrities in a magazine. The next day I woke up and was annoyed that someone had eaten my last grapefruit. Instead of breaking some flower vases I sat down at my computer and pushed buttons until all the buttons that I wanted to push had been pushed.
4. A group of people on Long Island began to collect embryos from under the skin of insects that look like large trees. I became fascinated by these people and decided to interview them. I put on a collared shirt and a red tie. Someone had mailed me cologne for my tenth birthday so I drank some. Then I flossed my armpits. I had never been to Long Island so I was nervous. I decided it would be best if I took a vacation in New Zealand before I interviewed the people on Long Island, but when I got to New Zealand I became more nervous because I was supposed to submit an article about Abraham Lincoln to the New York Times. I was not sure what to do so I went on the internet and asked it a question. It told me to talk to a specific lamb in New Zealand. I found the lamb. It smiled and showed me its wool. I asked it if it knew Abraham Lincoln. It nodded.
5. Yesterday, I was at a barbeque and someone said, “I spent a week in the psychiatric ward of a general hospital in New Hampshire. The place was very clean, bright, and quite. The personnel were courteous. I had a room to myself. I began to take medication. When I left the psychiatric ward I returned to my house with a suitcase full of dirty laundry. My wife was in the garden with a stack of old photographs that she was trying to upload onto the internet. After she scanned a photograph she dug a hole and put the photograph in the hole. I asked her why she was in the garden. She laughed and told me she had six billion followers on her blog.”
6. It was almost suppertime. I was reading the New York Times. There was an article about a fish that was four million years old. I asked the person who cooked for me what was for dinner. A few weeks later I was fishing off the coast of South Africa. I found a small dead purple boy in my net. I mailed it home to the person who cooked for me and said, “The next time I am home please have this boy seated at the head of the table dressed in a baby blue tuxedo. I would like to feed him green peas using a soup spoon.”
7. The first time I spoke on the internet I said, “I will moan until someone gives me enough money to purchase breasts that are a perfect nostalgia for the kind of youth and freshness that I sometimes feel when I realize that I have not vomited since I was eight years old and I accidentally opened the refrigerator and puked in the cheese drawer.”
8. I was walking around Vancouver once, painfully aware of my desire to be inside the notional space of a machine. The real world had completely lost its importance. I became excited about the idea that someday everyone would own a machine and everyone would live inside of the theoretical space of the machine they owned.
9. Forty years ago my father gave up on the idea of ever owning a woodshed named Neil Young. He did not teach me to drink milk or how to use my milk to get girl’s attention. Every accomplishment I have earned has been thanks to celebrities in magazines that I have never met and because I continue to enjoy pushing buttons. I have never been to Long Island. I’ve drank all the cologne I was given for my tenth birthday. In its place I drink wool juice. The last person who touched my dirty laundry used the experience to gain eight more followers on the internet. When I returned from Africa I found a purple and baby blue object already stuffed with green pebbles. I have given up on moaning. The puke in the cheese drawer turned into more cheese. I’ve never been to Vancouver, but this guy named “Bill” once went there and played a video game.
10. We live in an age that is very similar to the burden of a mayonnaise jar that only has a few skin flakes of cheese left in it. We are constantly wiping our butts with toasted bread and trying to feed it to everyone else under the notion that if other people eat our butt loaves then we will have accomplished the form of greatness we had set out to accomplish.